today was no fairytale, but i've still got a smile. because i know there is a tomorrow soon. and i sleep soon, so i'm praying for good dreams.
currently, things in my life are changing. not in the, here today gone tomar sense of change; i mean really changing. I feel as though ppl are entering and leaving my life for a reason & all the new experiences i encounter and lessons I learn are God putting the pieces in order around me. like a game of chess, i sacraficed a couple pawns, secured my King and Queen (soul and goals), and am planning for the capute of success. This feeling of peace inside of me is wonderful & quite needed. I know once the shit hits the fan, I'll be ready with skin tough as a lions and a mind capable of everything. i'm thinking of some BiG, yall ... really fucking Big.
so, this guy i'm talking to know has all this drama with a chick that goes to school with us. I've never seen her in person until today. of all the days, [ when i don't feel pretty at all ], for me to run into her. i begged my friend to tell me I was prettier. i actually begged her. if i truly am or not is up for debate and neither relevant or possible to state as fact, but in that desperate moment I actually needed to be told how more pretty I was. looking back I feel so fucking stupid. this experience has taught me a lot about where I am in life right now. through all the partying and fun, men and mall visit's; i'm an insecure girl who is so confused about herself she has to ask for confidence. I wont lie and say that my feelings of discomfort are gone but the first step towards getting out of this funk i'm in is acknowledging the funk i'm in. so, acknowledged ... *beat ... now what?
a liar is a coward & a coward dies a thousand times inside. today i quit being so scared, my consequence is a lesson.
-- i'm feeling like a stupid little cunt, now. i just got my grades & it's looking like 2 C's 2 B's & 1 A. : (
Seclusion plagues me. in a room full of people, those I’d be interested to know, those with great stories and funny jokes I’d love to hear; in a classroom full of people dying to be distracted, on a train, or on a plane where conversation lingers and a stranger awaits the meaningless words you have to offer; even in my home, with family … seclusion plagues me. I long for some human interaction, but there seems to be an invisible force preventing me to let anything wonderful in or a see through filter near my mouth that wont let me say the right thing; more importantly, to be who I truly am … whatever the fuck that is. I feel as though a little birdie is in my head, right in my ear, whisper beautiful words of tragedy in my ear. But my eyes, my eyes see a beautiful life that that birdie said I never could have. I wanna kill that little bird; kill him & take his fucking wings. Seclusion plagues me.
blogging is fun for me again!
i never payed her much attention, but she is a bad mutha fucka!